I’ve never blown off anyone I’ve dated in my life. That’s until today… I met “The Ranger” on Ok Cupid back in February, and at the time I was cock-hungry and up for almost anything. Thank God I never fucked that hot Canadian male prostitute, I’d be shopping for a casket right about now.

But that’s another story…

The Ranger and I hit it off from minute one. He was fresh off a break up and lonely. I was… did I mention I was cock-starving?? Ahem… I suppose I did. He was sweet, with a big belly, baby chipmunk cheeks, and eyes like Leonardo DiCaprio. At least that’s what my mom said when she saw his photo. Hey I ain’t picky, but he was funny, had a great voice, and went to Yale if you can believe it. So I guess I settled. Everyone knows I’ll fuck an Oxford University graduate on principle alone. Education by proxy babay! *wink*

Cue bed scene: Both naked, great soft California King sized bed, sheets with innumerate thread count. (You must understand, at the time I was sleeping on a rinky dinky futon. I would’ve gone down on Rush Limbaugh if it meant a one night’s sleep on a bare full-sized mattress).

Fireplace burning, glass of water accompanying a plate of cookies on my side of the bed. My God, it doesn’t take much to make me feel like a princess. So one thing leads to another, yadda yadda yadda… Ohai, if I squint hard enough I’m having sex with Leonardo’s older bearded brother! Until I see it lying next to us.  A pager?? No way! This guy’s stuck in the early 90’s! Wait what’s this? The pager has a cable attached to it, and I’m curious enough to follow that “yellow brick road” to see what’s on the other end of that rainbow.

OhMyGodOhMyGod! It’s a disc on the other end, and it’s inside his side?? He’s a Borg! He’s a Mutant! He’s a fucking extra from David Lynch’s Dune! Ok, the truth wasn’t as sexy but I’ve never seen an insulin pump before dammit! Not the best way to find out about his condition, but definitely original in execution. His pump in my hand, and I’m dead-eye staring at the ceiling all the while lying there being defiled.  I finally wondered to myself how much lower is this situation gonna get.

“Fuck it” I thought. “It’s an adventure, and he seems really into me”. You desperate cow *eyes roll* I almost let out a laugh when I later saw him hanging his “pager” on the dog tags around his neck while cooking a burrito naked, later that evening. Good burrito though, I’ll give him that. (Hey… Get your head out of the gutter pal!)

In the beginning I secretly wanted it to grow into something lovely, but I quickly realized that it wasn’t going anywhere. I think the breaking point for me was when I saw the family size Almond Roca he picked up from Costco. In my opinion it is tantamount to a suicide attempt by caramel chocolate. Ok, I don’t expect for any man to be solely responsible for our relationship or be my “rock”, but if he inspires to be the best and most beautiful self, within and without,  I cannot ask for more.

Although I might…

So my darling ranger, wherever you are tonight and whatever you do with your life, I truly adored you. But I adore me more.